As the Night Shines: HOPE

As the Night shines,
my eyes whine for they want to see the Light.
It seems that the Darkness is growing... gaining strength,
but my eyes still yearn for the sweet release that the Light brings.
I fight and struggle to find my way,
yet I can find nothing.
Are my efforts in vain, do I struggle and search for a mere figment of my imagination?
My mind begins to war within me with my heart.
My Mind tells me to embrace the Darkness, it says it's always going to be there.
But my Heart tells me to keep pushing forward, don't give up "seek and you shall find".
Truly it is hard to see hope, when physical sight is not a attribute I seem to be able to obtain.
But I keep searching...I keep feeling through the Night... Searching for that hope......

As I search and feel, wondering if this darkness will ever reveal
the key to my freedom. My mind tells me that this HOPE I search for isn't real.
Yet my heart charges me, keep moving forward don't just stand still, lack of motion breads a loss of Will. Loss of Will brings complacency and complacency turns you over to the Darkness.
I can feel it stalking me, following me as I search the Light that I fail to see. 
When suddenly I feel a warmth radiating from inside......could this be the Light? 
The Light that will guide me through the Night. This warmth grows stronger with every passing moment and as it strengthens I begin to question whether this is real or fiction. My nerve rise as I ponder the possibilities of allowing this warmth to overwhelm me. My mind tells me to suppress this happening yet my heart bids me LET GO. I feel as if this internal war will never cease. I drop to my knees with nothing else to loose. I choose to turn over to the warmth. My fear is on a rampage as I feel it clothing every part of me. What was happening? What was coming next? As the warmth consumes my very essence I through my face to the ground in fear and confusion. 

Then in an instant it was gone and I was left laying face in the ground. The seconds that followed only nourished my confusion and fear. What had happened, what was that? I was still in the Darkness left to continue my search. Is this it? Has the Night won?..............Suddenly........my eyes catch something. A glimmer? A shine? I rub my eyes to find that I had found Light! The Light that I so yearned for. The Light that my heart told me to HOPE for. No, I hadn't found the Light, it found me. As my eyes adjusted to this newly obtained sight, I quickly realized why the Light had consumed me. I clearly saw where the Light was guiding me.  I had search through the Darkness, through the Night feeling alone and abandoned for so long. But it was all clear to me know. As the Light radiated around me I could finally see! I was never alone! As far as my vision permitted me I could see others. Others searching through the Darkness. Others fighting with the Night. I understood then what I must do! 

Mishaps and Mistakes

Life never quite goes the way we planned sometimes. Sometimes we think we are smooth sailing yet we do not see what's hidden beneath the boat. As we enjoy the beautiful sights that our journey brings our way, we have no idea of the dangers that lay in obscurity. Worse yet there are times that we can see that which heads our way but for some reason we naively decide that drastic preventative measures should be taken. Either way our ship is in danger. Its in these moments (sadly), when everything is lost and our lives are changed forever, that we find who we truly are. When we find ourselves drowning and fighting to stay alive, it's these moments whether physically, emotionally, spiritually or financially that we are forced to either become a survivor or let life take us over. It pains me to say that my wife and I have been separated for a few months now and are in the process of going through a divorce. It has been a hard, stressful and painful time for the both of us. I do not wish to place blame on either of us, but in reality I shall. You see I believe that any marriage (especially in a Jesus following marriage)if it fails that is is he husbands fault. That is in the sense that is is the mans duty to be everything for his wife. Provider, Protector, Leader, Friend, etc... With that said, I can not move on till I apologize to my Wife for not being all of those things and more. I want to say sorry to Pastor Joe and Jill Harrison for putting all that hard work and counseling into our marriage (I personally feel like I have failed you guys). I thank Centro for making us feel at home when we were so far from our families. I ask that if any of you guys (and anyone else) reads this that you pray and continue praying for Sam that God would comfort her in this process. Sometimes we can get distracted by all the things going by us and the wonder of what we are seeing. Sometimes we get caught up in the operation and maintenance of the boat we are in that we forget to realize that there are others in the boat with us. And if we don't protect them from any danger then we have indeed failed. I pray that God will forgive me for my mishaps and mistakes during this part of my journey. And what ever the future may hold for me, I will strive to release that potential that dwells inside. But I could not go forward until I atoned (however small it may be) for the mishaps and mistakes I've made to this point. I pray that the next chapter of this life holds lots of wonder and whimsy. But above all, I pray that I can learn to see the dangers, recognize the dangers and properly prepare to avoid most and make it through the rest.